If you grew up in a home where emotions were contained, softened, or swallowed, you’ve experienced cultural emotional suppression firsthand. Many of us were raised to perform calmness instead of express honesty, and it shapes the way we move through adulthood.
Intro
Here is the truth.
Some of us grew up in homes where feelings were not welcomed. They were monitored. Edited. Shrunk. If December brings your whole family together but your emotions stay locked inside you like they have their own room, you are not broken. You are patterned.
Let’s talk about why emotional honesty feels unsafe for so many of us, especially if we grew up bilingual, ADHD, or inside cultures that treat emotions as collective responsibilities rather than individual experiences.
1. Emotional Honesty Is Cultural, Not Universal
Some cultures teach children to speak openly about their feelings. Others teach them to stay composed because emotions are seen as fragile, risky, or socially dangerous. Research in cultural psychology shows that many collectivist societies prioritise harmony and impression management over individual expression (Markus and Kitayama 1991).
So instead of learning to name your emotions, you learn to manage them.
You learn to apologise first.
To keep the peace.
To avoid arguments.
To swallow frustration.
To protect the family’s image.
It is not that your parents did not care. They cared deeply about the consequences of emotional visibility, something affect scholars highlight as a major cultural factor in emotional development (Mesquita 2001).
2. Shame, Reputation And The Fear Of Being Seen Wrong
In many communities, being visible is the same as being vulnerable. Emotional expression is not encouraged because it can be interpreted as immaturity, disrespect, or a reflection of the family’s moral standing.
Feelings become linked to:
- honour
- reputation
- gender expectations
- social hierarchy
- community judgment
You learn early that expressing how you feel can create social risk, not emotional relief.
Children raised in these environments internalise a simple equation.
“Speaking honestly makes people uncomfortable. Staying quiet keeps everything stable.”
3. Your Nervous System Learned Silence As Protection
Emotional silence eventually becomes a survival strategy.
If expressing your feelings was met with dismissal, criticism, or consequences, your nervous system naturally adjusted by shutting down or avoiding expression. This mirrors what affective neuroscience describes as adaptive emotional inhibition when safety feels uncertain (LeDoux 2015; Porges 2011).
You might freeze instead of feel.
Avoid instead of express.
Isolate instead of communicate.
Shut down instead of open up.
If you are ADHD, this becomes even louder. Emotional intensity is commonly misinterpreted as drama or disobedience, so you learn to mask feelings the same way you mask symptoms. Not because you wanted to hide, but because you wanted to avoid punishment or misunderstanding.
4. Why English Feels Safer Than Your First Language
Many cross-cultural kids notice that they can be emotionally honest more easily in English. This is not a coincidence. Studies in digital affect and linguistic framing show that emotions expressed in a second language feel less intense, less morally loaded, and less socially risky (Arora 2023).
In Arabic, Hindi, Urdu, Tagalog, Tamil, Somali, Farsi and other languages, emotional statements carry weight. They sound heavier and more serious.
But in English?
“I’m overwhelmed” feels softer and lighter.
It creates distance.
It feels safer.
English often becomes a buffer language that allows emotional truth without triggering cultural shame codes or family misunderstandings.
5. Why The Holidays Bring Old Rules Back
Even when you have grown, healed, or gone to therapy, the moment you step back into old family environments, your childhood programming switches back on.
You may feel pressure to:
- stay agreeable
- smile
- avoid conflict
- not disappoint
- hide discomfort
- act fine
Your adult self knows honesty is healthy.
Your inner child remembers that honesty once created consequences.
This emotional split is real and exhausting.
6. Breaking The Cycle Without Breaking The Culture
You do not need to reject your culture to reclaim emotional honesty. You can build gentler emotional habits that respect your background but also protect your wellbeing.
Try:
Soft honesty
“I’m not feeling my best today, but I’m here.”
Boundaries that do not start fights
“I need a quick breather.”
Emotionally neutral language
Instead of “You hurt me”
Try “That did not feel good to me.”
Choosing safe people
Not everyone deserves access to your emotional truth.
Shame regulation
Feelings are not disrespect.
Feelings are not disloyalty.
Feelings are not danger.
They are simply feelings.
7. You Are Not Broken. You Are Unlearning Generational Silence.
If emotional honesty feels foreign, risky, dramatic, or uncomfortable, it is because you were trained to suppress yourself.
You are not bad at communicating.
You were not taught how.
You are not cold.
You learned protection.
You are not too sensitive.
You are finally allowing yourself to feel.
Healing emotional honesty is not betrayal. It is liberation.
Want more culturally aware ADHD and emotional wellness content?
If emotional honesty feels heavy or complicated for you, you’ll probably love this blog where I break down why ADHD sensitivity hits so deeply and how to handle emotional intensity without shame:
👉 https://spicyadhdjourney.com/why-so-sensitive-adhd-rsd/
And if you want to explore this topic even further, here are two thoughtful reads that many of my followers found grounding:
• Psychology Today on emotional sensitivity:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety
• Harvard Health review on emotional regulation:
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/emotional-regulation-and-your-brain
Your feelings are not “too much.” They’re information. And they deserve space.
References (Harvard Style)
Arora, P. 2023. Digital affect and cultural expression in non-Western contexts.
LeDoux, J. 2015. The Emotional Brain Revisited.
Markus, H.R. and Kitayama, S. 1991. Culture and the self: Implications for cognition, emotion, and motivation, Psychological Review.
Mesquita, B. 2001. Emotions in collectivist and individualist contexts, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Porges, S. 2011. The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment and communication.
